I have avoided blogging because I do not want to overwhelm my readers with my pain and sorrow. I decided I’ll only get back to blogging when I feel a little bit of some life return into me.
I am sleeping in my room alone tonight, for the first time in 18 years and I have just been hit by this emptiness and this realization that my baby sister is really dead and never coming back.
I have been a bit strong these past days since we put her to rest mainly because a lot of our extended family members are still with us but yesterday I went to church and I broke down. I always went with her even though we rarely sat together. She always sat in the left row and I kept looking there thinking I’ll find her looking at me or whispering something to her friend but the faces that looked back at me were foreign and it was then that the tears poured out of me like rain after a dry storm. I went out to the bathrooms and cried, my heart literally hurt and I felt like pulling it out of my chest. I went back into church but instead of praying, I cried through the worship session. After that, I decided to leave because I wasn’t going to sit there and pretend I was happy when I wasn’t.
Its been hard, getting used to life without her,being the only girl, having no one to talk to. I wonder if I will ever heal! Will I heal or will I just ignore my feelings like I always do?? I have pushed so many people away in this period, some deserved it and some-i don’t know. I have NO reason for letting some people go, maybe am even being unfair but I feel its the only thing I can do about some ‘friendships’.
I hadn’t written since she got sick and now that she’s dead, I don’t want to write at all. For now, anyway. By ‘write’ I mean poetry. I can’t just put my feelings on paper yet. It still hurts and it always will but I know with time I’ll learn to live with the pain; then I will pour out my bruised heart onto a paper for the world to read and criticize.
On a brighter note, I know Noreen is with The Lord Jesus Christ. She lived for Him and she died in Him. I know she’s okay and one day by His grace, I will see her again. Oh how I can’t wait to be able to hug her and see her smile again. 🙂 I just pray for Strength and courage for the many times I will be overwhelmed by emotions.
Through this all, I have learnt that death is a part of being human and one day we shall all die- whether we like it or not! Apart from that, I have learnt so much about friendship, life, family, love, death, God, myself and christianity. My sister taught me more in her death than she did when she was alive, over 10 people turned to God after hearing about her life.. My sister is My Heroine. I have never met or known anybody who has displayed such courage as she did when she was sick and even in dying. She never let her sickness cause her to lose faith in God instead she held on that much tighter to HIM even as she died. I loved her. I love her and NO ONE will ever take her place.
Am short of words because I still can’t
believe you’re gone. I watched as you
were lowered in the ground and I
refused to believe I would never get to
see you again except on photo’s!
Am sitting here wondering just where
I will start from… Am surrounded by
emptiness. All alone in this empty
bedroom. This is too much wardrobe
space..all this bed space..that shoe
rack..that dressing table…
I don’t know what’s happening love.
You can’t be gone. They tell me to
accept you’re gone but how do I live
without you after 18 years of living
I miss you already!!
I now don’t have a sister. All alone.
Nobody to tell about the hustle of
being in love, nobody to ask how I look
before I head out, nobody to tease,
nobody to entertain with my crazy
behavior, nobody to watch ‘master
chef’ with. Nobody to tell my future
plans…so many dreams left
unfulfilled. We were supposed to grow
up and get married and have
thanksgiving dinners together but all
that will never be. How could you go
before I wrote that poem you had been
asking me to write for months? Can I
go back and just have one more day
with you so I can see you laugh, smile
and tell about how your day was? Can
I have that?
Sis..my one and only Kaluba (little
flower), rest in peace my honey. I will
miss you sooooo much esp that I was
closest to you. I will miss our friday
nights in watching criminal minds,
ugly betty, house. So many little things
I will miss. My artist, my painter, my
bridesmaid, my lawyer, my sister, my
friend…rest in peace! Watch over us!!
Its been a week
Of me, seeing the one I love
In a state of helplessness
Watching her wither away
Like a dry flower
On a hot day
Watching her struggle to do
The things she’s been doing all her life
Watching her detest the food she
How do things change in a split second?
One minute you’re laughing,
You’re holding back a dam of tears
‘You need to be strong’
‘I really am’
Pillows flooded with tears
And inaudible conversations
Fighting to have faith
To believe everything happens for
But why is this happening?
Tell me why?
Life is weird
Reality is where I am
Its like am dreaming
Hearing words I never thought
I would ever hear
Spending every waking hour
And expecting the worst
On my knees
My face wet with tears
Eyes looking up to heaven
Saying nothing at all
But I know God knows
And he hears
He never sleeps
It is well.
My God is Mighty to save
*** get well to my one and only young Sister who is Sick right now and will be going for an operation on tuesday ** please pray for her!! 😦
Beauty and the Beast has been my favorite fairy tale from time immemorial. At first it was because I saw myself in Belle (somehow), she loved reading and she never quite fit in. That’s how I feel sometimes, not that I am complaining; no!! I love it because I love being different 🙂
I am sure we have all watched or read this wonderful story. As I have grown up and watched it over and over again, I have noticed something that never caught my attention before. BEAUTY FELL IN LOVE WITH A BEAST!! That little fact made me love it even more because it showed something that society is clearly lacking. Loving someone for who they are. I believe love has to go beyond looks though I am not disputing the fact that this is easier said than done. Our society is so centered on outward beauty that people are dying in the process of seeking perfection (like that can be attained). We have people committing suicide because they think or have been told they are not beautiful. This needs and has to come to an end.
I am reminded of a show I recently started watching and this is, Dating In The Dark. Basically, two people get to know each other in the dark (they never see how the other looks till the final day). The funny thing is, I have seen people hit it off whilst in the dark room; they would get along well and always have something to talk about but the moment the lights come on, they walk away claiming the other person is not their type. It makes me wonder, is love about looks or personality?
However, we should not be guilted into dating someone we are not physically attracted to! Remember, if someone doesn’t want you, it doesn’t mean someone else won’t! There are 7 billion people in the world, there surely has got to be somebody for everyone!!
On that note, I conclude by saying: make somebdy feel beautiful today! 🙂
So, one of my resolutions this year is to read one book per month though I know I’ll probably read 2-3 each month (am such a book worm).
I bought this book last week wednesday and before that, I had never heard of Rosamond Lehmann. The funny thing about me is I just go into a bookshop with no idea of what book I’ll buy. I guess I love surprising myself :); if there’s such a thing! Its this same funny habit that led to my discovery of Andy Greenwald and Brad Listi though I knew the latter and I didn’t even know it. Does that make sense? Anyway, Brad is the founder of The Nervous Breakdown, an online literary magazine that I usaully visit. After I bought his book (Attention. Deficit. Disorder) I googled him and that’s I found out about him founding TNB. I was excited as was expected. Its a good book though. I enjoyed reading it.
I haven’t yet started reading Dusty Answer ,thanks to procrastination. I keep putting it off mainly because I have four more books I haven’t gotten around to reading. So, why did I go out and buy yet another book when I have four that I haven’t read? Frankly, I don’t know! I just woke up and I wanted a new book so I showered and hurled my body to a bookshop, perused the shelves, saw Dusty Answer, liked it, paid and well here I am. (I hate when I get impulsive).
The back of the book says:
”Dusty Answer is Judith Earle’s story. In breathless, elegiac prose it tells of her solitary childhood spent dreaming in an enchanted house by the river, her awkward, intense experiences at cambridge, her first passionate friendship with a contemporary, her stunned disillusionment. Above all, the novel is about Judith’s consuming relationship with the Fyfes, a family of cousins whose inroads into the dreams and preoccupations of her young womanhood make Dusty Answer subtle, heartbreaking, and a landmark in english fiction.”
I went to church today for our weekly youth meeting which I rarely attend. It was awesome and I had a great time. The preaching was from Matthew 9:20-22 which talks of the woman who had a bleeding problem and was healed after she touched the hem of Jesus’ cloak. The Pastor encouraged us to have faith and be courageous like that woman who despite the crowd that surrounded Jesus;still fought to touch him and be healed.
However,the highlight of today was when an altar call was made for everyone who was having financial trouble where school fee’s where concerned and was seeking a break through. So many people went to the front, I was moved because sometimes I forget how blessed I am. I mean, maybe we all do but today reminded me that some things that come easily to me are a struggle for other people. So, I thanked God even for the little things like my being able to afford shoes whilst other people walk around bare foot.
We are blessed to bless!!
I hope we can all cultivate a spirit of gratitude in our lives lest we wake up and everything is gone.
Food For Thought : If you could only have today, what you thanked God for Yesterday then what would you have?