Dear Life

Dear Life,

I Got The Lemons You Sent Me. I’m Sitting Here, Wondering What I should Do With Them Because They Are The Most Sour Lemons I Have Ever Tasted. Yes, I Did Taste Them. Food Is Meant To Be Eaten, Right? The Unfortunate Thing Is The Sour Taste Still Lingers In My Mouth.

Well, Should I Make Lemonade? But Where Will I Get Sugar So Sweet That The Sour Taste Is Nothing But A Mild AfterTaste? Does It Even Exist? Or Maybe I Should Make Mango Juice, Sit Back And Let Everyone Wonder How I Did It? What I Am Trying To Say Is, This Is The Worst You Have Ever Served Me. What Did I Ever Do To Deserve This? Is My Mere Existence An Insult To You? Pardon My Rudeness, I Just Don’t Understand How You Operate At Times. Its Like You See Me Sitting Alone, Enjoying An Orange So Sweet That I forget Lemons Exist And You Think To Yourself
”This Is Not How Its Supposed To Be, She Can’t Forget That Lemons Exist! After All, There Are Two Sides To a Coin”
I Know And Fully Understand That We Are All Bound To Receive This Basket Of SOUR LEMONS At One Point Or Another But Couldn’t You Delay Delivering Mine For Let’s Say, 60 Years Or Something?

Right Now, I’m Thinking Of Ways I Can Get Rid Of This Foul Taste But Everyone Is Telling Me That With Time, I Will Learn To Live With It. Really? How Can I Live With Something That On Certain Days Keeps Me Confined To My Bedroom, Crying And Asking The Angels To Come And Take Me Away To The Place Where The Sun Shines On and On and On…

I Have Met People Who Have Told Me That The Sour Taste Never Goes Away, That I’ll wake Up On Certain Days And Its Like I Just Tasted The Lemons A Few Minutes Ago And On Some Days I’ll Will Be Like “Okay, It Happened But Life Has To Go On”.

Life, See What You’ve Done? I’m About To Become Bipolar.

Oh Well, I Know You Won’t Come And Take Them Back So I Guess — Its Time For Me To Make Some Lemonade And I Know Where I will Find Sugar That Will Kill The Sour Taste 🙂 His Name Is Jesus Christ!

Sincerely Angry At You,
Nelly Or Just Call Me SweetLemon.

Advertisements

A Few Words

I have avoided blogging because I do not want to overwhelm my readers with my pain and sorrow. I decided I’ll only get back to blogging when I feel a little bit of some life return into me.
I am sleeping in my room alone tonight, for the first time in 18 years and I have just been hit by this emptiness and this realization that my baby sister is really dead and never coming back.
I have been a bit strong these past days since we put her to rest mainly because a lot of our extended family members are still with us but yesterday I went to church and I broke down. I always went with her even though we rarely sat together. She always sat in the left row and I kept looking there thinking I’ll find her looking at me or whispering something to her friend but the faces that looked back at me were foreign and it was then that the tears poured out of me like rain after a dry storm. I went out to the bathrooms and cried, my heart literally hurt and I felt like pulling it out of my chest. I went back into church but instead of praying, I cried through the worship session. After that, I decided to leave because I wasn’t going to sit there and pretend I was happy when I wasn’t.
Its been hard, getting used to life without her,being the only girl, having no one to talk to. I wonder if I will ever heal! Will I heal or will I just ignore my feelings like I always do?? I have pushed so many people away in this period, some deserved it and some-i don’t know. I have NO reason for letting some people go, maybe am even being unfair but I feel its the only thing I can do about some ‘friendships’.
I hadn’t written since she got sick and now that she’s dead, I don’t want to write at all. For now, anyway. By ‘write’ I mean poetry. I can’t just put my feelings on paper yet. It still hurts and it always will but I know with time I’ll learn to live with the pain; then I will pour out my bruised heart onto a paper for the world to read and criticize.

On a brighter note, I know Noreen is with The Lord Jesus Christ. She lived for Him and she died in Him. I know she’s okay and one day by His grace, I will see her again. Oh how I can’t wait to be able to hug her and see her smile again. 🙂 I just pray for Strength and courage for the many times I will be overwhelmed by emotions.

Through this all, I have learnt that death is a part of being human and one day we shall all die- whether we like it or not! Apart from that, I have learnt so much about friendship, life, family, love, death, God, myself and christianity. My sister taught me more in her death than she did when she was alive, over 10 people turned to God after hearing about her life.. My sister is My Heroine. I have never met or known anybody who has displayed such courage as she did when she was sick and even in dying. She never let her sickness cause her to lose faith in God instead she held on that much tighter to HIM even as she died. I loved her. I love her and NO ONE will ever take her place.

Life Right Now

Its been a week
Of me, seeing the one I love
Weak
In a state of helplessness
Watching her wither away
Like a dry flower
On a hot day
Watching her struggle to do
The things she’s been doing all her life
Watching her detest the food she
Once savored
How do things change in a split second?
One minute you’re laughing,
The next
You’re holding back a dam of tears
‘Don’t cry’
Am told
‘You need to be strong’
‘I’m trying’
I say
‘I really am’

Pillows flooded with tears
And inaudible conversations
Fighting to have faith
To believe everything happens for
A reason
But why is this happening?
Tell me why?

Life is weird
One minute
Reality is where I am
The next
Its like am dreaming
Hearing words I never thought
I would ever hear
Spending every waking hour
Wondering
Asking questions
Waking up
And expecting the worst

On my knees
My face wet with tears
Eyes looking up to heaven
Saying nothing at all
But I know God knows
And he hears
He never sleeps
It is well.
My God is Mighty to save

*** get well to my one and only young Sister who is Sick right now and will be going for an operation on tuesday ** please pray for her!! 😦

Gratitude

I went to church today for our weekly youth meeting which I rarely attend. It was awesome and I had a great time. The preaching was from Matthew 9:20-22 which talks of the woman who had a bleeding problem and was healed after she touched the hem of Jesus’ cloak. The Pastor encouraged us to have faith and be courageous like that woman who despite the crowd that surrounded Jesus;still fought to touch him and be healed.

However,the highlight of today was when an altar call was made for everyone who was having financial trouble where school fee’s where concerned and was seeking a break through. So many people went to the front, I was moved because sometimes I forget how blessed I am. I mean, maybe we all do but today reminded me that some things that come easily to me are a struggle for other people. So, I thanked God even for the little things like my being able to afford shoes whilst other people walk around bare foot.
We are blessed to bless!!

I hope we can all cultivate a spirit of gratitude in our lives lest we wake up and everything is gone.

Food For Thought : If you could only have today, what you thanked God for Yesterday then what would you have?

A Plea

Help me love
Another
As you do me

Help me see
Another
As you do me

Help me forgive
Another
As you do me

I am human
Ergo I am imperfect
I am human
Ergo I’m selective
Of
Whom I love
Whom I help
Whom I talk to

Lord
Help me be like you
Holy
For that is your wish
Loving
For that is your nature
Forgiving
For that’s who you are
Wise
So as to live a life worth of your love

Lord
May your perfection
Overcome
My imperfection