A Few Words

I have avoided blogging because I do not want to overwhelm my readers with my pain and sorrow. I decided I’ll only get back to blogging when I feel a little bit of some life return into me.
I am sleeping in my room alone tonight, for the first time in 18 years and I have just been hit by this emptiness and this realization that my baby sister is really dead and never coming back.
I have been a bit strong these past days since we put her to rest mainly because a lot of our extended family members are still with us but yesterday I went to church and I broke down. I always went with her even though we rarely sat together. She always sat in the left row and I kept looking there thinking I’ll find her looking at me or whispering something to her friend but the faces that looked back at me were foreign and it was then that the tears poured out of me like rain after a dry storm. I went out to the bathrooms and cried, my heart literally hurt and I felt like pulling it out of my chest. I went back into church but instead of praying, I cried through the worship session. After that, I decided to leave because I wasn’t going to sit there and pretend I was happy when I wasn’t.
Its been hard, getting used to life without her,being the only girl, having no one to talk to. I wonder if I will ever heal! Will I heal or will I just ignore my feelings like I always do?? I have pushed so many people away in this period, some deserved it and some-i don’t know. I have NO reason for letting some people go, maybe am even being unfair but I feel its the only thing I can do about some ‘friendships’.
I hadn’t written since she got sick and now that she’s dead, I don’t want to write at all. For now, anyway. By ‘write’ I mean poetry. I can’t just put my feelings on paper yet. It still hurts and it always will but I know with time I’ll learn to live with the pain; then I will pour out my bruised heart onto a paper for the world to read and criticize.

On a brighter note, I know Noreen is with The Lord Jesus Christ. She lived for Him and she died in Him. I know she’s okay and one day by His grace, I will see her again. Oh how I can’t wait to be able to hug her and see her smile again. 🙂 I just pray for Strength and courage for the many times I will be overwhelmed by emotions.

Through this all, I have learnt that death is a part of being human and one day we shall all die- whether we like it or not! Apart from that, I have learnt so much about friendship, life, family, love, death, God, myself and christianity. My sister taught me more in her death than she did when she was alive, over 10 people turned to God after hearing about her life.. My sister is My Heroine. I have never met or known anybody who has displayed such courage as she did when she was sick and even in dying. She never let her sickness cause her to lose faith in God instead she held on that much tighter to HIM even as she died. I loved her. I love her and NO ONE will ever take her place.

The Living Dead

We have heard of them
Seen them around
Maybe we even
Know some
The living dead
Alive but dead
Living
With no care
About life
Living
With no care
About their future
Living
Life with no clear direction
Don’t know where
They are going
Or coming from

Tomorrow never comes
They say
But what if it does?
One day
It will be tomorrow
You will be
Alive
Resurrected
And wondering where
Time has gone
This life is
Fragile
And
Short
It can’t be
Taken
For granted
Or lived
Like it is eternal

Wake up
And
Live
A life
Worth remembering

Letters to Ronnie (till death do us part)

Dear Ronnie
Even in death I still love you
Like the first time
Its been a
Long
Hard road
But we made it
We loved each other
From the first hello
Till last night
When you closed your eyes
Forever
Death isn’t the end
There’s a life after that
I may not see you there
But wherever we end up
I just want you to know
I will always love you
You showed me that
Love doesn’t have to hurt
Love doesn’t have to be forced
Love is a gift given to another
Thank you for being
My hero
My fiancé
My husband
My father
My friend
My brother

Even as I lay you
To rest tomorrow
I pray you rest in peace
And my love stays with you
Forever and ever

DEATH IS EASY! DEATH IS HARD!

Death is easy,
i realised this,
the day i stopped living,
held my breath into eternity

Death is hard,
i stopped living,
but i wasn’t leaving,
i used every card up my sleeve,
but eternity’s sleep i still had to endure

Death is easy,
i looked on as i died,
‘please dont let me die’,
my voice screamed,
he did not hear me

Death is hard,
i pondered this as before,
the Lord i stood,
and my name was not found

I watched you die

I buried you,
stood by your grave,
with a grin on my face,
laid the orchids down,
and walked away

Now you rise,
rise up from the dust,
and tell me
you love me

I killed you,
watched the flames eat you,
i put you in a jar and
walked away

Now you rise,
rise up from the ashes,
and tell me
you want me

Soil in you
but
still you live

Smoke in your lungs
but
still you breathe

I look away

please die!

IN THE SHADOW OF THE SUN

In an instant
Every motion froze
Time was silent
My chapter was at its close
Nothing within me stirred as before me he stood and poisoned my soul
Oh the pain
I could not believe it was happening again
Indeed my life was a show
Complete with joy and hurt
And everything else that helped me exist
The pain in my chest was so chaste it was exquisite

My body shook
Emotions liquefied
As my soul he took
And my life was left unsatisfied
With a void never to be filled
Shadows around me closed in
Crashing me into my heart
My life crumbled into a stream i later drowned in
And eternity within me was imparted

Of passion i had a recollection as i died
Insatiable, perpetual and fiery
I hoped that with me he would abide
Otherwise i would lay in misery
Without him to ignite my fire
I was bound to an eternity of premature climax
The truth i knew dissolved

Every conflict within me was resolved
Love and hate fused into an emotion with a touch of apathy
But for myself i felt no sympathy
I felt my spirit short of breath and i knew death was imminent

Light shone on my dilapidated soul
Deeper and deeper i sunk into the ground
On a quest never to be found
It was the last thing i saw as i was put to rest
In the shadow of the sun

No one deserves to die like that-not even bad guys.

When i saw on aljazeera that the libyan leader,gaddafi, had been killed; i was saddened. Just as i was when osama was killed. In my opinion, killing them does not make them pay for what they did because death is the common denominator amongst all human beings. Why not just have them incarcerated? Thats way better than killing them to teach them that killing is wrong. It does not make sense. They may have been bad but they did not deserve to die like that, its not right. Lets respect life and help preserve it by speaking against abortion, suicide and the death penalty. It is not up to us to decide who lives and who dies.. We did not create ourselves. Jehovah did. Love and peace to all. RIP.