A Few Words

I have avoided blogging because I do not want to overwhelm my readers with my pain and sorrow. I decided I’ll only get back to blogging when I feel a little bit of some life return into me.
I am sleeping in my room alone tonight, for the first time in 18 years and I have just been hit by this emptiness and this realization that my baby sister is really dead and never coming back.
I have been a bit strong these past days since we put her to rest mainly because a lot of our extended family members are still with us but yesterday I went to church and I broke down. I always went with her even though we rarely sat together. She always sat in the left row and I kept looking there thinking I’ll find her looking at me or whispering something to her friend but the faces that looked back at me were foreign and it was then that the tears poured out of me like rain after a dry storm. I went out to the bathrooms and cried, my heart literally hurt and I felt like pulling it out of my chest. I went back into church but instead of praying, I cried through the worship session. After that, I decided to leave because I wasn’t going to sit there and pretend I was happy when I wasn’t.
Its been hard, getting used to life without her,being the only girl, having no one to talk to. I wonder if I will ever heal! Will I heal or will I just ignore my feelings like I always do?? I have pushed so many people away in this period, some deserved it and some-i don’t know. I have NO reason for letting some people go, maybe am even being unfair but I feel its the only thing I can do about some ‘friendships’.
I hadn’t written since she got sick and now that she’s dead, I don’t want to write at all. For now, anyway. By ‘write’ I mean poetry. I can’t just put my feelings on paper yet. It still hurts and it always will but I know with time I’ll learn to live with the pain; then I will pour out my bruised heart onto a paper for the world to read and criticize.

On a brighter note, I know Noreen is with The Lord Jesus Christ. She lived for Him and she died in Him. I know she’s okay and one day by His grace, I will see her again. Oh how I can’t wait to be able to hug her and see her smile again. 🙂 I just pray for Strength and courage for the many times I will be overwhelmed by emotions.

Through this all, I have learnt that death is a part of being human and one day we shall all die- whether we like it or not! Apart from that, I have learnt so much about friendship, life, family, love, death, God, myself and christianity. My sister taught me more in her death than she did when she was alive, over 10 people turned to God after hearing about her life.. My sister is My Heroine. I have never met or known anybody who has displayed such courage as she did when she was sick and even in dying. She never let her sickness cause her to lose faith in God instead she held on that much tighter to HIM even as she died. I loved her. I love her and NO ONE will ever take her place.

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Life Right Now

Its been a week
Of me, seeing the one I love
Weak
In a state of helplessness
Watching her wither away
Like a dry flower
On a hot day
Watching her struggle to do
The things she’s been doing all her life
Watching her detest the food she
Once savored
How do things change in a split second?
One minute you’re laughing,
The next
You’re holding back a dam of tears
‘Don’t cry’
Am told
‘You need to be strong’
‘I’m trying’
I say
‘I really am’

Pillows flooded with tears
And inaudible conversations
Fighting to have faith
To believe everything happens for
A reason
But why is this happening?
Tell me why?

Life is weird
One minute
Reality is where I am
The next
Its like am dreaming
Hearing words I never thought
I would ever hear
Spending every waking hour
Wondering
Asking questions
Waking up
And expecting the worst

On my knees
My face wet with tears
Eyes looking up to heaven
Saying nothing at all
But I know God knows
And he hears
He never sleeps
It is well.
My God is Mighty to save

*** get well to my one and only young Sister who is Sick right now and will be going for an operation on tuesday ** please pray for her!! 😦

2011 in Review

Another year comes to an end. This year has ended rather quickly, it feels just like yesterday when I bid 2010 goodbye and welcomed 2011 into my life as my friends and I excitedly hugged each other, shed a few tears and prayed that this year would be different from the last.
Needless to say, this year has not been as good as 2010(which is the best year of my life). 2011 has been full of school stress, relationship stress, family stress, personal stress and every other stress known to man.
My resolutions are over and done with except one which I can’t do on my own so I guess next year will do :).
I want to thank my family for their love and support this whole year,I bring a lot of crazy into their lives but they love me still and they should.
My friends/sisters Kasy, Phyll, Steph, Lenga and Fay and all my other friends. We have had a fun year, maybe not good but fun. Maybe not this year or even next year but one day….we’ll dance on the streets coz finally; we’ll be dealt the right cards!
Every other friend I have made on facebook/twitter/wordpress, thanks for taking time to read what goes on in my mind/heart. You don’t know how much it means to me.

I personally can’t wait for this year to end because I am excited for next year as I progress onto another stage of life. Yayyyy!!

I can’t list all that I’ll remember from this year but 2011 has taught me that being pessimistic takes you nowhere in life so come 2012, I am embracing optimism. I’ll be the way I was, Lord knows this isn’t who I was; so mis-trusting of humans and thinking all everybody wants to do is hurt you. I want to live on the other side of life and believe again, that the world is bright and beautiful and beautiful souls exist and most of all that true love isn’t extinct.
This year has been quite full of negativity from within me and to some extent,the people surrounding me so I want 2012 to be the beginning of my life and I promise to surround myself with positive people hence I am leaving behind some people even those I call friends. Fresh start and all that cliche stuff people say every new years.

The blog will be updated everyday come 2012 *shrieks* I hope I can manage but I just have to. I have written so much the past few days that I am itching to share it with you all. I hope you’ll enjoy!! Thank you to all those who read and take time to tell me what they think. NOBODY would understand but those words are like music to my ears as they give me so much hope and I feel so loved (again, nobody can understand why). Thank you! Thank you! Thank you.
The blog will be a bit personal but I will upload a poem or two daily. Thank you, again.

Lastly, thank you Lord Jesus for being there for me this year. It hasn’t been easy (heartbreaks, loss, sickness, betrayal, death) but you got me through it all and I can face tomorrow because you live.

And now, a toast to 2012 (The year for all things true/ The year for the beautiful and independent ladies). Here is to true relationships,true love, true friends, writing about truth and accepting the truth about life….

Happy New Year.

Change is Good

I have never been away from home for this long since 2008. I have been here in Copper belt with my mums immediate elder sister and her family for close to 3 weeks now.
I must say that I have had a good time with my cousins and my friends from high school who stay in this part of the country.
I had a hard time adjusting to life here the first few days because life is a bit different than what I am used to but I just had to settle in; I am an adult and complaining is listed under the DON’TS of the Adult Hand Book. 😀
I must say that I have always been ambivalent where change is concerned. On one hand, change is good because it helps us grow but on the other hand it leaves us wounded(sometimes). I can’t say I have come to a conclusion on that because I still have mixed feelings about it.
Anyway being here has been good for me. It has helped me look at life from a totally different angle than what I am used to.
Most of all, I have proved some of the things my mother has time and again been telling me. Things like ‘money isn’t everything’ do not get me wrong, I never disagreed but things just have that much more significance in your life if you experience them.
Also that, school is important especially in this part of the world where sometimes employment is as scarce as an oasis in a desert.
Whilst here, I had time to think about my life and where I am headed and more importantly where I want writing to take me. I am proud to say that I now know. I know what I want to be when I grow up!!! Can’t say it right now but its a good decision because it involves me doing what I love and there is no better feeling!! Is there?

I surprisingly found myself missing home and my family. I have not been one to miss home because even when I was in high school (boarding), I missed school when I came home. Its normal for me because I have never been daddy’s girl. My parents taught me to be independent at a very tender age and by 12 years old, I could go out and buy groceries for the whole family, take care of them and my young brother who was 9 months whilst my mum was in school. My sister refuses to do any of that (though my brother is a big boy) now even though she is way older than I was; she claims she has a fear of crowds(what’s that phobia called?).
Anyway I can’t wait to go home and see everyone and everything because believe it or not, I miss my things like books, movies, magazines,my shoes, my clothes…I even miss my teddy 😦

I seem to have deviated from the topic but what I am trying to say is, change is good because it opens our eyes to another life,helps us grow and helps us appreciate what we have.
Might post some photos from my trip but I don’t think its necessary for now as I will post them in another post that will wrap up 2011.

Thank You (this one is for my mum)

Thank you for keeping me
For helping me see
The beauty of life
Teaching me to strive
For my dreams
Because nobody else will

Thank you for the smiles
That lighten up my dark day
Even from miles
Away
You lift me up with your words
Thank you for the tears
That you cried to God for me
When I lost my way
And you almost lost me

Thank you for being strong
For me
For holding my hand
And putting me on the right path
Thank you for the harsh words
They hurt
But they made me who I am

Thank you for letting me make mistakes
I had to learn
And now am wiser
Thank you for the many times
You have nursed me back to health
Sitting through the night
My hand in yours
Telling me it will be okay

Thank you for the countless times you have come to my rescue
Without a moments hesitation

Thank you for letting me follow my dreams
No matter how ridiculous

Mum, Lord knows I will be blessed to be, even half the woman you are!

I love you mum!

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