A Few Words

I have avoided blogging because I do not want to overwhelm my readers with my pain and sorrow. I decided I’ll only get back to blogging when I feel a little bit of some life return into me.
I am sleeping in my room alone tonight, for the first time in 18 years and I have just been hit by this emptiness and this realization that my baby sister is really dead and never coming back.
I have been a bit strong these past days since we put her to rest mainly because a lot of our extended family members are still with us but yesterday I went to church and I broke down. I always went with her even though we rarely sat together. She always sat in the left row and I kept looking there thinking I’ll find her looking at me or whispering something to her friend but the faces that looked back at me were foreign and it was then that the tears poured out of me like rain after a dry storm. I went out to the bathrooms and cried, my heart literally hurt and I felt like pulling it out of my chest. I went back into church but instead of praying, I cried through the worship session. After that, I decided to leave because I wasn’t going to sit there and pretend I was happy when I wasn’t.
Its been hard, getting used to life without her,being the only girl, having no one to talk to. I wonder if I will ever heal! Will I heal or will I just ignore my feelings like I always do?? I have pushed so many people away in this period, some deserved it and some-i don’t know. I have NO reason for letting some people go, maybe am even being unfair but I feel its the only thing I can do about some ‘friendships’.
I hadn’t written since she got sick and now that she’s dead, I don’t want to write at all. For now, anyway. By ‘write’ I mean poetry. I can’t just put my feelings on paper yet. It still hurts and it always will but I know with time I’ll learn to live with the pain; then I will pour out my bruised heart onto a paper for the world to read and criticize.

On a brighter note, I know Noreen is with The Lord Jesus Christ. She lived for Him and she died in Him. I know she’s okay and one day by His grace, I will see her again. Oh how I can’t wait to be able to hug her and see her smile again. 🙂 I just pray for Strength and courage for the many times I will be overwhelmed by emotions.

Through this all, I have learnt that death is a part of being human and one day we shall all die- whether we like it or not! Apart from that, I have learnt so much about friendship, life, family, love, death, God, myself and christianity. My sister taught me more in her death than she did when she was alive, over 10 people turned to God after hearing about her life.. My sister is My Heroine. I have never met or known anybody who has displayed such courage as she did when she was sick and even in dying. She never let her sickness cause her to lose faith in God instead she held on that much tighter to HIM even as she died. I loved her. I love her and NO ONE will ever take her place.

Strangers

I awoke to pain
Shame
Testimony of the previous night
When Light
Shone upon a new era
And I resolved to forget every past error
So I could create room
For truth in my life

He sat next to me
Told me
The truth
About my life
Asked me why I hold on to strife
When all it does
Is slowly kill
Me. Stand still
And look within you
You will see
What a few
Have seen.
The beauty of your soul
The calmness of your heart
The truth in your eyes
The happiness in your smile
And the freedom in your laughter
He spoke of things
I knew
But had not embraced
So I questioned
Life
Love
Friendship
Family
Trust
Me

When strangers know
You more than friends
Do
When strangers tell
You the truth
About you
You are left wondering
Who the liar is
Me?
Friends?
Strangers?

Don’t Tell Me To Follow My Heart

I can not recall the many times I have been at a cross road in my life, gone to my friends for advice and they tell me to Follow My Heart!
I have never given much thought to this till a friend of mine recently updated her facebook status saying “don’t tell me to follow my heart bc you will be shocked”.
I didn’t comment on that update and I did not ask her what she meant by that but that statement caught ny attention.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized the same could be said about me. I have a tendency to do what people tell me NOT to do. No, I am not disobedient. I just think its fun shocking people because these days, almost every one walks a tight rope; some people can’t even take e a joke.

Anyway, every time I went ahead and followed my heart; I wound up getting hurt which left me at this conclusion: My heart does not know what it is doing!
I know when people tell you to ‘follow your heart’ they don’t mean it literally but if they did, I’d tell them my heart has no legs and so can’t move unless I do. In that case, how can I follow something that is totally dependent on me for movement?
With that said, please take note that I use my mind for thinking and not my heart so next time someone wants to suggest to me a body part I should follow, I recommend my brain.
😀

Posted with WordPress for BlackBerry.

MY CHANGING WORLD

My world is going through changes
The faces around me are changing
Slowly becoming distant voices in an empty life
Filled with echoes of a long lost love
Memories of past hurts
And my core is slowly disintegrating
Letting go of people I have come to know
Hard it seems to start over
I will manage

My life is going through changes
Priorities are slowly being re-arranged
Putting them first and crossing them off the list
My friends are appearing in a new light
And with them life is getting brighter
THANK YOU