A Few Words

I have avoided blogging because I do not want to overwhelm my readers with my pain and sorrow. I decided I’ll only get back to blogging when I feel a little bit of some life return into me.
I am sleeping in my room alone tonight, for the first time in 18 years and I have just been hit by this emptiness and this realization that my baby sister is really dead and never coming back.
I have been a bit strong these past days since we put her to rest mainly because a lot of our extended family members are still with us but yesterday I went to church and I broke down. I always went with her even though we rarely sat together. She always sat in the left row and I kept looking there thinking I’ll find her looking at me or whispering something to her friend but the faces that looked back at me were foreign and it was then that the tears poured out of me like rain after a dry storm. I went out to the bathrooms and cried, my heart literally hurt and I felt like pulling it out of my chest. I went back into church but instead of praying, I cried through the worship session. After that, I decided to leave because I wasn’t going to sit there and pretend I was happy when I wasn’t.
Its been hard, getting used to life without her,being the only girl, having no one to talk to. I wonder if I will ever heal! Will I heal or will I just ignore my feelings like I always do?? I have pushed so many people away in this period, some deserved it and some-i don’t know. I have NO reason for letting some people go, maybe am even being unfair but I feel its the only thing I can do about some ‘friendships’.
I hadn’t written since she got sick and now that she’s dead, I don’t want to write at all. For now, anyway. By ‘write’ I mean poetry. I can’t just put my feelings on paper yet. It still hurts and it always will but I know with time I’ll learn to live with the pain; then I will pour out my bruised heart onto a paper for the world to read and criticize.

On a brighter note, I know Noreen is with The Lord Jesus Christ. She lived for Him and she died in Him. I know she’s okay and one day by His grace, I will see her again. Oh how I can’t wait to be able to hug her and see her smile again. 🙂 I just pray for Strength and courage for the many times I will be overwhelmed by emotions.

Through this all, I have learnt that death is a part of being human and one day we shall all die- whether we like it or not! Apart from that, I have learnt so much about friendship, life, family, love, death, God, myself and christianity. My sister taught me more in her death than she did when she was alive, over 10 people turned to God after hearing about her life.. My sister is My Heroine. I have never met or known anybody who has displayed such courage as she did when she was sick and even in dying. She never let her sickness cause her to lose faith in God instead she held on that much tighter to HIM even as she died. I loved her. I love her and NO ONE will ever take her place.

H.I.M

The smell of
His clothes

The smirk in
His stare

The arrogance of
His being

The kindness
He possesses

The truth
He spoke

The romance
He showed

His breath on
My skin

His lips
On
My
Lips
Eyes
Nose
Hands
Forehead
Stomach

His hands
That held my
Face
And spoke of love
I miss this and more

His hands
That hurt my body

His legs
That kicked me

His voice
That spewed insults
At me

His eyes
That looked down on me

His lips
That spit on me

His touch
Poisoned my skin

His love
Dragging me deeper
And deeper
Into a black hole

I let him go
Because of this
And more

Victim of evil

She wanders the world
A lost soul in a sea of faces
All she wants is for someone to give her a voice
All she needs is someone to decipher her silence
She’s gasping for breath
Fighting to make sense of life
In a battle to end the strife

All she wants is for this to go away
So she can live again
Maybe even trust again
Is it even humanely possible that she broke so easily?
She thought she was stronger than that
But
This was different in a lot of ways
It was shocking that a thousand days later
It still hurt
It still felt like yesterday
Maybe it was
She wasn’t sure anymore

Every night took her back
To the day she lost it
Never to get it back
How could he cause her so much pain that she hated them all?
Even hated herself in the process
Because
In a way she blamed herself
She must have done something to deserve it
Wasn’t that how the world operated?
“You reap what you sow”
“What goes around comes around”
She had been told
So what was it?

How could wickedness exist at such a magnitude?
Surely the world wasn’t filled with such vile
There had to be some good to counter act such evil
A yang to every yin

She remembered the evil in his eye
How he didn’t flinch when he held her down
How her body tried in all its might to fight him
Tried so hard to protect herself
But she couldn’t
And all she could think about was how she should have tried harder
Then maybe…just maybe she could still be who she was from before
But it was too late for regrets

All she had to do now was pick herself up and move on
All she wanted to do was forget his face
And the way he looked at her when he was through
Like she was a piece of garbage
She didn’t matter to him anymore

She lay there
Violated and frail in body and spirit
From where she lay,she watched him zip up and walk away with the only pride she had
She closed her eyes as reality settled in
Her innocence was gone
Never to be claimed

WORD FROM AUTHOR: if you have been sexually abused or know anyone who has, please report to the nearest police station and PLEASE get help! Your life isn’t over!

Morning, Noon, Night

MORNING

I awoke to resounding voices in my head
Of times passed, dead, buried
And memories of lessons learnt and tears shed
Not forgetting cares that the wind carried
They reminded me of why I laugh and cry
How I died and lived
Don’t you know I try?
I really do try to not go insane
But with these echoes
Slowly drowning me
In the ghosts of my shadows
How can I see?

TODAY

But today I’ll walk before I fall
And bleed myself to insanity
Because I learnt never to wait too long at the door
The prize with time might just be vanity
I’ll laugh harder than I cried
Smile at the sun because I am alive
I’ll live better than I died
Maybe walk on water before I take a dive
TONIGHT

I will be a voice within myself
Whispering sweet nothings to the world
While I continue the journey back to self
I’ll sign a contract with happiness
Start rejoicing before the ink even dries
Because I will let go of all stress
And with life I’ll create new ties

HEPTAD

Baby
You loved me seven times before you left,
maybe it was once,I forget sometimes,
all these memories have left me cleft

first: when we met
in the midst of the crowd,
as the sun set,
i remember that love was mild

second: in mid air
with the world below us
‘love me if you dare’
but to you,it was all a fuss

triple your love to when you said you loved me,
and nobody could measure up,
so i thought,i just couldn’t see,
that our love was a forlorn hope

fourth,when we kissed,
and i felt heavens gate open,
all the way from the west to the east

fifth,when we lay
and loved and loved and loved,
what more can i say?

sixth: when you made me yours,
and my joy was complete,
for you i fell as the highest falls

seventh: when you walked away,
and i came tumbling down,
you loved me but you couldn’t stay

My man, He walked away

My man he walked away
And i goodbye he did not bid
Just upped and left me one day
And there was nothing i did

My man he walked away
Left me standing at the altar
Was it because with me he did not lay?
Oh i wish reality i could alter

My man he walked away
He heard the lies they said
To their music i saw him sway
I was so hurt that tears i could not shed

My man he walked away
Left me out in the night
With not much as a kiss
All i did was wait for sunlight
And move on i did