A Few Words

I have avoided blogging because I do not want to overwhelm my readers with my pain and sorrow. I decided I’ll only get back to blogging when I feel a little bit of some life return into me.
I am sleeping in my room alone tonight, for the first time in 18 years and I have just been hit by this emptiness and this realization that my baby sister is really dead and never coming back.
I have been a bit strong these past days since we put her to rest mainly because a lot of our extended family members are still with us but yesterday I went to church and I broke down. I always went with her even though we rarely sat together. She always sat in the left row and I kept looking there thinking I’ll find her looking at me or whispering something to her friend but the faces that looked back at me were foreign and it was then that the tears poured out of me like rain after a dry storm. I went out to the bathrooms and cried, my heart literally hurt and I felt like pulling it out of my chest. I went back into church but instead of praying, I cried through the worship session. After that, I decided to leave because I wasn’t going to sit there and pretend I was happy when I wasn’t.
Its been hard, getting used to life without her,being the only girl, having no one to talk to. I wonder if I will ever heal! Will I heal or will I just ignore my feelings like I always do?? I have pushed so many people away in this period, some deserved it and some-i don’t know. I have NO reason for letting some people go, maybe am even being unfair but I feel its the only thing I can do about some ‘friendships’.
I hadn’t written since she got sick and now that she’s dead, I don’t want to write at all. For now, anyway. By ‘write’ I mean poetry. I can’t just put my feelings on paper yet. It still hurts and it always will but I know with time I’ll learn to live with the pain; then I will pour out my bruised heart onto a paper for the world to read and criticize.

On a brighter note, I know Noreen is with The Lord Jesus Christ. She lived for Him and she died in Him. I know she’s okay and one day by His grace, I will see her again. Oh how I can’t wait to be able to hug her and see her smile again. 🙂 I just pray for Strength and courage for the many times I will be overwhelmed by emotions.

Through this all, I have learnt that death is a part of being human and one day we shall all die- whether we like it or not! Apart from that, I have learnt so much about friendship, life, family, love, death, God, myself and christianity. My sister taught me more in her death than she did when she was alive, over 10 people turned to God after hearing about her life.. My sister is My Heroine. I have never met or known anybody who has displayed such courage as she did when she was sick and even in dying. She never let her sickness cause her to lose faith in God instead she held on that much tighter to HIM even as she died. I loved her. I love her and NO ONE will ever take her place.

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Life Right Now

Its been a week
Of me, seeing the one I love
Weak
In a state of helplessness
Watching her wither away
Like a dry flower
On a hot day
Watching her struggle to do
The things she’s been doing all her life
Watching her detest the food she
Once savored
How do things change in a split second?
One minute you’re laughing,
The next
You’re holding back a dam of tears
‘Don’t cry’
Am told
‘You need to be strong’
‘I’m trying’
I say
‘I really am’

Pillows flooded with tears
And inaudible conversations
Fighting to have faith
To believe everything happens for
A reason
But why is this happening?
Tell me why?

Life is weird
One minute
Reality is where I am
The next
Its like am dreaming
Hearing words I never thought
I would ever hear
Spending every waking hour
Wondering
Asking questions
Waking up
And expecting the worst

On my knees
My face wet with tears
Eyes looking up to heaven
Saying nothing at all
But I know God knows
And he hears
He never sleeps
It is well.
My God is Mighty to save

*** get well to my one and only young Sister who is Sick right now and will be going for an operation on tuesday ** please pray for her!! 😦

Beauty And The Beast ( It Must Have Been True Love)

Beauty and the Beast has been my favorite fairy tale from time immemorial. At first it was because I saw myself in Belle (somehow), she loved reading and she never quite fit in. That’s how I feel sometimes, not that I am complaining; no!! I love it because I love being different 🙂

I am sure we have all watched or read this wonderful story. As I have grown up and watched it over and over again, I have noticed something that never caught my attention before. BEAUTY FELL IN LOVE WITH A BEAST!! That little fact made me love it even more because it showed something that society is clearly lacking. Loving someone for who they are. I believe love has to go beyond looks though I am not disputing the fact that this is easier said than done. Our society is so centered on outward beauty that people are dying in the process of seeking perfection (like that can be attained). We have people committing suicide because they think or have been told they are not beautiful. This needs and has to come to an end.

I am reminded of a show I recently started watching and this is, Dating In The Dark. Basically, two people get to know each other in the dark (they never see how the other looks till the final day). The funny thing is, I have seen people hit it off whilst in the dark room; they would get along well and always have something to talk about but the moment the lights come on, they walk away claiming the other person is not their type. It makes me wonder, is love about looks or personality?

However, we should not be guilted into dating someone we are not physically attracted to! Remember, if someone doesn’t want you, it doesn’t mean someone else won’t! There are 7 billion people in the world, there surely has got to be somebody for everyone!!

On that note, I conclude by saying: make somebdy feel beautiful today! 🙂

Happiness, Love and Beauty

I have been told, I have to create my own happiness
Before
I can make somebody else happy
I have been told I have to love myself
Before I can love somebody else
Or let somebody else love me
I have been told I have to believe I am beautiful
Before
I believe it when somebody else tells me

I am happy
I love myself
I am beautiful

Happiness baffles me
I choose to be happy
Laugh more
Enjoy life more
Take a few risks
Write some more
Maybe deviate a little from my style
Explore other ventures
Accept the place I am in
Be grateful for I am blessed
Not lucky
And it works
For days
I can’t stop laughing
Life is great
I enjoy what am writing
Personalize the place I am in
I am more blessed
Then I hear a knock on my door
*knock* *knock* *knock*
I get no reply when I ask who it is
So I open the day
Maybe the person is shy
But sadness creeps in
And happiness leaves through the back door
Its like I woke up
And am surrounded by weeping
I must be at a funeral!
How did things change so fast?

Love intrigues me
Is it an emotion?
An action?
A thought?
A myth?
A fantasy?
Whatever it is
I love myself
Completely and truly
With no room for leakage
I feel my love for me
My actions towards me symbolize how much I care
I feel it when I think of me
if you say you love me
I will not question you
Maybe I will
Maybe I won’t
But I will believe you
Its hard to explain love
I guess that makes it
An emotion

The thing about beauty is
It fades
Its not perfect
There’s always something amiss
A big nose
Small eyes
Little hands
Long feet
Short hair
In short
Outer beauty is vanity
Inner beauty is forever
I have accepted me
For better and
For worse
In sickness
And in health
For richer
And for poor
Till the day I die a natural death
Poverty won’t make me think less of myself
Sickness is a common denominator amongst us all
So getting sick won’t make me kill myself
I am more than just a pretty face
Adorned with makeup
I am more than just a body
Dressed up in clothes

I am a human being
In pursuit of happiness
Which is found in loving yourself first
And
Enhanced by you accepting yourself
With your imperfections

H.I.M

The smell of
His clothes

The smirk in
His stare

The arrogance of
His being

The kindness
He possesses

The truth
He spoke

The romance
He showed

His breath on
My skin

His lips
On
My
Lips
Eyes
Nose
Hands
Forehead
Stomach

His hands
That held my
Face
And spoke of love
I miss this and more

His hands
That hurt my body

His legs
That kicked me

His voice
That spewed insults
At me

His eyes
That looked down on me

His lips
That spit on me

His touch
Poisoned my skin

His love
Dragging me deeper
And deeper
Into a black hole

I let him go
Because of this
And more

Mr Right

The days that have gone by
Like the clouds in the sky
On a sunny day
Had me thinking of the future
And what I want Mr Right to possess

I didn’t draw up a list
Or sit for hours
Thinking of it

All I ask is
My dream guy
Be mine
And mine alone
He should be to me
Reality
And
To every other girl in the world
A dream!