Dear Life

Dear Life,

I Got The Lemons You Sent Me. I’m Sitting Here, Wondering What I should Do With Them Because They Are The Most Sour Lemons I Have Ever Tasted. Yes, I Did Taste Them. Food Is Meant To Be Eaten, Right? The Unfortunate Thing Is The Sour Taste Still Lingers In My Mouth.

Well, Should I Make Lemonade? But Where Will I Get Sugar So Sweet That The Sour Taste Is Nothing But A Mild AfterTaste? Does It Even Exist? Or Maybe I Should Make Mango Juice, Sit Back And Let Everyone Wonder How I Did It? What I Am Trying To Say Is, This Is The Worst You Have Ever Served Me. What Did I Ever Do To Deserve This? Is My Mere Existence An Insult To You? Pardon My Rudeness, I Just Don’t Understand How You Operate At Times. Its Like You See Me Sitting Alone, Enjoying An Orange So Sweet That I forget Lemons Exist And You Think To Yourself
”This Is Not How Its Supposed To Be, She Can’t Forget That Lemons Exist! After All, There Are Two Sides To a Coin”
I Know And Fully Understand That We Are All Bound To Receive This Basket Of SOUR LEMONS At One Point Or Another But Couldn’t You Delay Delivering Mine For Let’s Say, 60 Years Or Something?

Right Now, I’m Thinking Of Ways I Can Get Rid Of This Foul Taste But Everyone Is Telling Me That With Time, I Will Learn To Live With It. Really? How Can I Live With Something That On Certain Days Keeps Me Confined To My Bedroom, Crying And Asking The Angels To Come And Take Me Away To The Place Where The Sun Shines On and On and On…

I Have Met People Who Have Told Me That The Sour Taste Never Goes Away, That I’ll wake Up On Certain Days And Its Like I Just Tasted The Lemons A Few Minutes Ago And On Some Days I’ll Will Be Like “Okay, It Happened But Life Has To Go On”.

Life, See What You’ve Done? I’m About To Become Bipolar.

Oh Well, I Know You Won’t Come And Take Them Back So I Guess — Its Time For Me To Make Some Lemonade And I Know Where I will Find Sugar That Will Kill The Sour Taste 🙂 His Name Is Jesus Christ!

Sincerely Angry At You,
Nelly Or Just Call Me SweetLemon.

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A Few Words

I have avoided blogging because I do not want to overwhelm my readers with my pain and sorrow. I decided I’ll only get back to blogging when I feel a little bit of some life return into me.
I am sleeping in my room alone tonight, for the first time in 18 years and I have just been hit by this emptiness and this realization that my baby sister is really dead and never coming back.
I have been a bit strong these past days since we put her to rest mainly because a lot of our extended family members are still with us but yesterday I went to church and I broke down. I always went with her even though we rarely sat together. She always sat in the left row and I kept looking there thinking I’ll find her looking at me or whispering something to her friend but the faces that looked back at me were foreign and it was then that the tears poured out of me like rain after a dry storm. I went out to the bathrooms and cried, my heart literally hurt and I felt like pulling it out of my chest. I went back into church but instead of praying, I cried through the worship session. After that, I decided to leave because I wasn’t going to sit there and pretend I was happy when I wasn’t.
Its been hard, getting used to life without her,being the only girl, having no one to talk to. I wonder if I will ever heal! Will I heal or will I just ignore my feelings like I always do?? I have pushed so many people away in this period, some deserved it and some-i don’t know. I have NO reason for letting some people go, maybe am even being unfair but I feel its the only thing I can do about some ‘friendships’.
I hadn’t written since she got sick and now that she’s dead, I don’t want to write at all. For now, anyway. By ‘write’ I mean poetry. I can’t just put my feelings on paper yet. It still hurts and it always will but I know with time I’ll learn to live with the pain; then I will pour out my bruised heart onto a paper for the world to read and criticize.

On a brighter note, I know Noreen is with The Lord Jesus Christ. She lived for Him and she died in Him. I know she’s okay and one day by His grace, I will see her again. Oh how I can’t wait to be able to hug her and see her smile again. 🙂 I just pray for Strength and courage for the many times I will be overwhelmed by emotions.

Through this all, I have learnt that death is a part of being human and one day we shall all die- whether we like it or not! Apart from that, I have learnt so much about friendship, life, family, love, death, God, myself and christianity. My sister taught me more in her death than she did when she was alive, over 10 people turned to God after hearing about her life.. My sister is My Heroine. I have never met or known anybody who has displayed such courage as she did when she was sick and even in dying. She never let her sickness cause her to lose faith in God instead she held on that much tighter to HIM even as she died. I loved her. I love her and NO ONE will ever take her place.

My A to Z list

A. Make a list of 5 things that are
in reach.
My Purse, my headsets, a tube of face cream, my headband

B. What is your favourite
holiday?
Easter.

C. What is your fashion style?
Urban

D. What’s your occupation?
In the process of looking for a job

E. What do you hear right now?
The television in the sitting room

F. Who was the last person you
hugged?
I can’t remember

G. What random song just
popped in your head now?
Solution-Hillsong

H. What did you do today?
Its just 9a.m

I. What was the last text message
you received?
From Kiwis,asking how I am.

J. What websites do you always
visit when you go online?
Twitter, facebook, wordpress,tumblr,the nervous breakdown, the single woman

K. What is your next big planned
purchase?
I don’t know yet…maybe a book by Paulo Coelho

L. If you could afford to go
anywhere in the world, where
would you go?
Bali

M. Where do you see yourself in
5 years?
Pursuing a degree in journalism

N. Where’s your tattoo/Where
would you like a tattoo?
Somewhere on my body…

O. What are you doing this
weekend?
Not sure yet

P. If you could play any musical
instrument, which one would
you play?
Guitar

Q. What’s the one thing you need
the most now?
For my sister to recover and come back home..

R. Are you a creeper?
What’s a creeper?

S. What is your dream job?
To work as a columnist

T. What’s the last good movie you
saw?
I don’t watch movies a lot but the last good tv series I saw was Castle Season One

U. What’s your favourite quote?
‘Attitude determines altitude’

V. What is your favourite colour?
White and bright colors

W. Give us three styling tips that
always work for you:
Am not really into fashion…

X. Coffee or tea?
Coffee

Y. What do you love to do when it
is drizzling?
Watch tv or read or sleep

Z. What inspires you?
Life

Life Right Now

Its been a week
Of me, seeing the one I love
Weak
In a state of helplessness
Watching her wither away
Like a dry flower
On a hot day
Watching her struggle to do
The things she’s been doing all her life
Watching her detest the food she
Once savored
How do things change in a split second?
One minute you’re laughing,
The next
You’re holding back a dam of tears
‘Don’t cry’
Am told
‘You need to be strong’
‘I’m trying’
I say
‘I really am’

Pillows flooded with tears
And inaudible conversations
Fighting to have faith
To believe everything happens for
A reason
But why is this happening?
Tell me why?

Life is weird
One minute
Reality is where I am
The next
Its like am dreaming
Hearing words I never thought
I would ever hear
Spending every waking hour
Wondering
Asking questions
Waking up
And expecting the worst

On my knees
My face wet with tears
Eyes looking up to heaven
Saying nothing at all
But I know God knows
And he hears
He never sleeps
It is well.
My God is Mighty to save

*** get well to my one and only young Sister who is Sick right now and will be going for an operation on tuesday ** please pray for her!! 😦

Gratitude

I went to church today for our weekly youth meeting which I rarely attend. It was awesome and I had a great time. The preaching was from Matthew 9:20-22 which talks of the woman who had a bleeding problem and was healed after she touched the hem of Jesus’ cloak. The Pastor encouraged us to have faith and be courageous like that woman who despite the crowd that surrounded Jesus;still fought to touch him and be healed.

However,the highlight of today was when an altar call was made for everyone who was having financial trouble where school fee’s where concerned and was seeking a break through. So many people went to the front, I was moved because sometimes I forget how blessed I am. I mean, maybe we all do but today reminded me that some things that come easily to me are a struggle for other people. So, I thanked God even for the little things like my being able to afford shoes whilst other people walk around bare foot.
We are blessed to bless!!

I hope we can all cultivate a spirit of gratitude in our lives lest we wake up and everything is gone.

Food For Thought : If you could only have today, what you thanked God for Yesterday then what would you have?

2011 in Review

Another year comes to an end. This year has ended rather quickly, it feels just like yesterday when I bid 2010 goodbye and welcomed 2011 into my life as my friends and I excitedly hugged each other, shed a few tears and prayed that this year would be different from the last.
Needless to say, this year has not been as good as 2010(which is the best year of my life). 2011 has been full of school stress, relationship stress, family stress, personal stress and every other stress known to man.
My resolutions are over and done with except one which I can’t do on my own so I guess next year will do :).
I want to thank my family for their love and support this whole year,I bring a lot of crazy into their lives but they love me still and they should.
My friends/sisters Kasy, Phyll, Steph, Lenga and Fay and all my other friends. We have had a fun year, maybe not good but fun. Maybe not this year or even next year but one day….we’ll dance on the streets coz finally; we’ll be dealt the right cards!
Every other friend I have made on facebook/twitter/wordpress, thanks for taking time to read what goes on in my mind/heart. You don’t know how much it means to me.

I personally can’t wait for this year to end because I am excited for next year as I progress onto another stage of life. Yayyyy!!

I can’t list all that I’ll remember from this year but 2011 has taught me that being pessimistic takes you nowhere in life so come 2012, I am embracing optimism. I’ll be the way I was, Lord knows this isn’t who I was; so mis-trusting of humans and thinking all everybody wants to do is hurt you. I want to live on the other side of life and believe again, that the world is bright and beautiful and beautiful souls exist and most of all that true love isn’t extinct.
This year has been quite full of negativity from within me and to some extent,the people surrounding me so I want 2012 to be the beginning of my life and I promise to surround myself with positive people hence I am leaving behind some people even those I call friends. Fresh start and all that cliche stuff people say every new years.

The blog will be updated everyday come 2012 *shrieks* I hope I can manage but I just have to. I have written so much the past few days that I am itching to share it with you all. I hope you’ll enjoy!! Thank you to all those who read and take time to tell me what they think. NOBODY would understand but those words are like music to my ears as they give me so much hope and I feel so loved (again, nobody can understand why). Thank you! Thank you! Thank you.
The blog will be a bit personal but I will upload a poem or two daily. Thank you, again.

Lastly, thank you Lord Jesus for being there for me this year. It hasn’t been easy (heartbreaks, loss, sickness, betrayal, death) but you got me through it all and I can face tomorrow because you live.

And now, a toast to 2012 (The year for all things true/ The year for the beautiful and independent ladies). Here is to true relationships,true love, true friends, writing about truth and accepting the truth about life….

Happy New Year.