A Few Words

I have avoided blogging because I do not want to overwhelm my readers with my pain and sorrow. I decided I’ll only get back to blogging when I feel a little bit of some life return into me.
I am sleeping in my room alone tonight, for the first time in 18 years and I have just been hit by this emptiness and this realization that my baby sister is really dead and never coming back.
I have been a bit strong these past days since we put her to rest mainly because a lot of our extended family members are still with us but yesterday I went to church and I broke down. I always went with her even though we rarely sat together. She always sat in the left row and I kept looking there thinking I’ll find her looking at me or whispering something to her friend but the faces that looked back at me were foreign and it was then that the tears poured out of me like rain after a dry storm. I went out to the bathrooms and cried, my heart literally hurt and I felt like pulling it out of my chest. I went back into church but instead of praying, I cried through the worship session. After that, I decided to leave because I wasn’t going to sit there and pretend I was happy when I wasn’t.
Its been hard, getting used to life without her,being the only girl, having no one to talk to. I wonder if I will ever heal! Will I heal or will I just ignore my feelings like I always do?? I have pushed so many people away in this period, some deserved it and some-i don’t know. I have NO reason for letting some people go, maybe am even being unfair but I feel its the only thing I can do about some ‘friendships’.
I hadn’t written since she got sick and now that she’s dead, I don’t want to write at all. For now, anyway. By ‘write’ I mean poetry. I can’t just put my feelings on paper yet. It still hurts and it always will but I know with time I’ll learn to live with the pain; then I will pour out my bruised heart onto a paper for the world to read and criticize.

On a brighter note, I know Noreen is with The Lord Jesus Christ. She lived for Him and she died in Him. I know she’s okay and one day by His grace, I will see her again. Oh how I can’t wait to be able to hug her and see her smile again. 🙂 I just pray for Strength and courage for the many times I will be overwhelmed by emotions.

Through this all, I have learnt that death is a part of being human and one day we shall all die- whether we like it or not! Apart from that, I have learnt so much about friendship, life, family, love, death, God, myself and christianity. My sister taught me more in her death than she did when she was alive, over 10 people turned to God after hearing about her life.. My sister is My Heroine. I have never met or known anybody who has displayed such courage as she did when she was sick and even in dying. She never let her sickness cause her to lose faith in God instead she held on that much tighter to HIM even as she died. I loved her. I love her and NO ONE will ever take her place.

H.I.M

The smell of
His clothes

The smirk in
His stare

The arrogance of
His being

The kindness
He possesses

The truth
He spoke

The romance
He showed

His breath on
My skin

His lips
On
My
Lips
Eyes
Nose
Hands
Forehead
Stomach

His hands
That held my
Face
And spoke of love
I miss this and more

His hands
That hurt my body

His legs
That kicked me

His voice
That spewed insults
At me

His eyes
That looked down on me

His lips
That spit on me

His touch
Poisoned my skin

His love
Dragging me deeper
And deeper
Into a black hole

I let him go
Because of this
And more

Victim of evil

She wanders the world
A lost soul in a sea of faces
All she wants is for someone to give her a voice
All she needs is someone to decipher her silence
She’s gasping for breath
Fighting to make sense of life
In a battle to end the strife

All she wants is for this to go away
So she can live again
Maybe even trust again
Is it even humanely possible that she broke so easily?
She thought she was stronger than that
But
This was different in a lot of ways
It was shocking that a thousand days later
It still hurt
It still felt like yesterday
Maybe it was
She wasn’t sure anymore

Every night took her back
To the day she lost it
Never to get it back
How could he cause her so much pain that she hated them all?
Even hated herself in the process
Because
In a way she blamed herself
She must have done something to deserve it
Wasn’t that how the world operated?
“You reap what you sow”
“What goes around comes around”
She had been told
So what was it?

How could wickedness exist at such a magnitude?
Surely the world wasn’t filled with such vile
There had to be some good to counter act such evil
A yang to every yin

She remembered the evil in his eye
How he didn’t flinch when he held her down
How her body tried in all its might to fight him
Tried so hard to protect herself
But she couldn’t
And all she could think about was how she should have tried harder
Then maybe…just maybe she could still be who she was from before
But it was too late for regrets

All she had to do now was pick herself up and move on
All she wanted to do was forget his face
And the way he looked at her when he was through
Like she was a piece of garbage
She didn’t matter to him anymore

She lay there
Violated and frail in body and spirit
From where she lay,she watched him zip up and walk away with the only pride she had
She closed her eyes as reality settled in
Her innocence was gone
Never to be claimed

WORD FROM AUTHOR: if you have been sexually abused or know anyone who has, please report to the nearest police station and PLEASE get help! Your life isn’t over!

I watched them

They came back to lay flowers at the spot every year. I always stood a few meters away, behind a tree and watched them as they came through the gate; their heads hung low with sullen looks on their faces. They always wore the same black clothes and carried the same type of flowers; a dozen yellow roses, one for every day before the inevitable had occurred.
When they reached the spot, they would stand there in silence for a minute or two, each expecting the other to say something but nobody ever said anything so they would go on to lay the flowers starting with the eldest.
He stepped forward with a paper in his hands on which I guessed he had written something. He started to read what was on it but stopped midway as he choked on his tears. He fell to his knees, pressing the flowers against his chest. The others looked on but nobody went to help him up. They knew better than to comfort him at this time. After a few minutes, he looked up at what was in front him and with a sigh, he lay the flowers, got up and walked away; hands in his pocket.
Next came the twins, they wore matching black t-shirts as if their resemblance was not enough to tell the whole world that they were twins. The girl had always been the stronger of the two and so she held the boy as they stepped forward. His eyes where already filling with tears as he drew closer to the spot. They stood there, holding each others hands, eyes transfixed by the same object and after what seemed like an eternity of the boy quietly sobbing to himself; the girl stepped forward and stooped so she could lay the flowers. The boy went ahead and did the same.
Last in line was the 16 year old emo girl. She dressed the same way everyday since that fateful day and so today was not really different to her. ‘Same day, different things to do’, she had told herself that morning as she prepared for this annual trip. She did not have a paper with any written words on it neither did she need someone to hold her. She was not the emotional type and so she was not going to cry and leak any emotion whatsoever. She stepped forward and stood there for a moment. She sighed, dropped the flowers and walked away.
‘Interesting’ I thought to myself.
I followed them as they left. They got into the car and drove off. I hailed a taxi and just when I got in, some man came rushing in and sat next to me. I tried telling him that the taxi was already booked but he ignored me so I decided to ignore him too. The man beside me said something about where he was going but I quickly told the taxi driver to follow the car that had just pulled into the road and without a moment’s hesitation, he stepped on the ignition and sped away. The man engaged the driver in a conversation about soccer, the weather and other current affairs; I did not feel like talking so I shied away from joining in and decided to busy myself with watching the people on the streets.
The car with the people I had earlier been watching came to a stop in front of a restaurant, they got out and reluctantly went in. I told the driver to leave me there but he ignored my request and kept driving. I tried telling him again but it seemed he was not going to budge so at the next traffic light, I quickly got out after rolling some money into a ball and throwing it at him just so I could show my frustration.
I quickly ran back in the direction of the restaurant so I could see what they where up to. As expected, they had booked the corner table and where all perusing their menu’s trying to decide on what to order. I watched them through the window as they painstakingly did the same things they had done the year before and the year before and two more years before that. Sometime between their feigned indecision over what to order and my judgment of their annual routine, it started to rain. It started as a rain drop on my forehead and by the time I was looking up, it was pouring hard, I quickly walked into the restaurant as people behind me started scampering looking for shelter.
I found a table that was two tables away from where they sat and slid into the chair so that I could be within earshot of their conversation. A waiter went passed me, I tried to stop him so I could order a drink but he went on like he had not heard me. “What is happening to me today? Am I invisible?” I thought to my self.
The maitre d’ escorted a couple to my table and they sat opposite me. I looked them over and decided that I would not talk to them.
My subjects at the other table had ordered and where now quietly savoring their meals. I heard the weaker twin say something which attracted a disapproving look from the every one else at the table. I strained my ears so I could hear what they were talking about.
‘but why?’ I heard the weaker twin ask
‘I do not answer to you so I will not give you an answer’ the eldest replied
‘its not fair’ he replied as he put his knife and fork down and started to sob
‘now look what you have done’ the stronger twin said to the eldest as she patted the weaker twins back
‘let him cry’ the emo said ‘I am actually surprised he made it through without one of us having to hold his hand the whole way’
The eldest started saying something in reply to what the emo had said but I couldn’t hear as my table was surrounded by 3 men playing violins. I looked at the couple seated opposite me and the man was on one knee, facing the lady holding a ring in his hand.
‘will you marry me?’ he asked his girlfriend whose eyes where filling up with tears.
‘oh my gosh! Yes! I will’
I felt my stomach churn so I quickly got up and left the restaurant. It was still raining outside but it made no difference to me as my mind was filling up with questions about the conversation I was earlier listening to.
I decide to retrace their steps and so walked back to our initial meeting place.
The place was deserted by the time I got there. There were no people or animals in sight. I walked to the spot where they had earlier broken down, bared their souls before laying down a dozen yellow roses.
I froze in my steps as I looked at the tombstone. There it was etched into the stone:
RIP
My name
My year of birth
My year of death
And
Every other label the world had given me.
I was dead.

The end.

Morning, Noon, Night

MORNING

I awoke to resounding voices in my head
Of times passed, dead, buried
And memories of lessons learnt and tears shed
Not forgetting cares that the wind carried
They reminded me of why I laugh and cry
How I died and lived
Don’t you know I try?
I really do try to not go insane
But with these echoes
Slowly drowning me
In the ghosts of my shadows
How can I see?

TODAY

But today I’ll walk before I fall
And bleed myself to insanity
Because I learnt never to wait too long at the door
The prize with time might just be vanity
I’ll laugh harder than I cried
Smile at the sun because I am alive
I’ll live better than I died
Maybe walk on water before I take a dive
TONIGHT

I will be a voice within myself
Whispering sweet nothings to the world
While I continue the journey back to self
I’ll sign a contract with happiness
Start rejoicing before the ink even dries
Because I will let go of all stress
And with life I’ll create new ties

HEPTAD

Baby
You loved me seven times before you left,
maybe it was once,I forget sometimes,
all these memories have left me cleft

first: when we met
in the midst of the crowd,
as the sun set,
i remember that love was mild

second: in mid air
with the world below us
‘love me if you dare’
but to you,it was all a fuss

triple your love to when you said you loved me,
and nobody could measure up,
so i thought,i just couldn’t see,
that our love was a forlorn hope

fourth,when we kissed,
and i felt heavens gate open,
all the way from the west to the east

fifth,when we lay
and loved and loved and loved,
what more can i say?

sixth: when you made me yours,
and my joy was complete,
for you i fell as the highest falls

seventh: when you walked away,
and i came tumbling down,
you loved me but you couldn’t stay

IN THE SHADOW OF THE SUN

In an instant
Every motion froze
Time was silent
My chapter was at its close
Nothing within me stirred as before me he stood and poisoned my soul
Oh the pain
I could not believe it was happening again
Indeed my life was a show
Complete with joy and hurt
And everything else that helped me exist
The pain in my chest was so chaste it was exquisite

My body shook
Emotions liquefied
As my soul he took
And my life was left unsatisfied
With a void never to be filled
Shadows around me closed in
Crashing me into my heart
My life crumbled into a stream i later drowned in
And eternity within me was imparted

Of passion i had a recollection as i died
Insatiable, perpetual and fiery
I hoped that with me he would abide
Otherwise i would lay in misery
Without him to ignite my fire
I was bound to an eternity of premature climax
The truth i knew dissolved

Every conflict within me was resolved
Love and hate fused into an emotion with a touch of apathy
But for myself i felt no sympathy
I felt my spirit short of breath and i knew death was imminent

Light shone on my dilapidated soul
Deeper and deeper i sunk into the ground
On a quest never to be found
It was the last thing i saw as i was put to rest
In the shadow of the sun